When people look at me they see me doing nothing, I have nap after nap, I have no job, I have no social life, I have no responsibilities, I have nothing that I have to do, I have no children, I have no studies, I have no family that need me, I have nothing, I have no garden. Some people envy my life because I am not able to do anything, other people think I am lazy because I am not able to do things. It really does get me down but it is part of my recovery process, it is part of becoming me and helping myself to be able to get better. My life is on hold to be able recover and to be able to get better with my mental health. I want to be able to go back to the person I was and I want to be able to do the things that I have done all the time but sometimes my mental health is not the best and it can make life bad. It can make life hard and frustrating. I know that it will get better though which is the main thing.
Mental Health is a funny word, something that is not talked about in society, something that is frowned upon, something that people don’t fully understand. Mental health is a serious thing and more people need to understand how people with a mental health condition feel. One minute we feel so good and then with not even one second between we feel angry, sad and want to end our lives. Mental health is not something to be judged but to be able to understood. They need to support and to be able to have someone to be able to turn too.
When I was working I would have jumped at the chance to be able to spend the day in bed and not do anything, I would have loved to be on my own and to do what I want. Now that I have to do it and it is part of my recovery it is hard and it is exhausting! Anyone that has had an operation and has had to recover will know its exhausting and having and recovery from a mental illness is tiring and a long term thing. It doesn’t just heal within 6 weeks but takes longer to be able to fully recover and support is needed from everyone around. It is like a machine getting support from different people and the each have a part in my recovery and I am so thankful for them.
Everyone is scared of something in their lives, spiders, darkness, spicy food, circus, clowns, flu, dirt and heights. For most people they would go around trying to avoid these things and would get help for them. It can be difficult to avoid some of these but you would do as best as you could do. Some of these could cause problems, especially if you have children and they want to go to the circus, or if you have a spider in the shower and your hair needs washing. They can be problematic but you can get through life avoiding them.
For me everyday I have a fear that I will end my life if I get into a serious rut. I am scared that people don’t understand me. I am scared that people will judge me. I am scared that I can’t go out. I am scared that I will harm something. I am scared that things will not go right. I am scared that my mental health will take over my life. I am scared that I won’t be the best life that I can give my husband and children. I know that lots of things in the future will scare me and lots of things will come along that I will have to sort out.
I know that I will be overcome by things but also I know that God will help and protect me, I know that He will not judge me, I know that I don’t have to be scared of him, I know that He will help me to overcome my fears. Everyday will be an upward struggle and a mountain to climb but he will be there beside me climbing the mountain with me. When everyone else is not around or who does not want to know anything of me I can always turn to Him and He will help me to get through every minute, everyday, every week, every month and every year.