Blog 315: Its been a decade

funerals

6:30am 10 years ago to the day the world lost someone who was amazing, the world lost someone who bought a smile to everyone, the world lost a gentle-man, the world lost a father and a grandfather, the world lost a wonderful light, the world lost a wonderful man. I find myself so emotional at this time of year, I find it hard to cope, I find it hard to keep on going and today is the same as every other 22nd February. Since 2012 this day has been highly emotional, this day has been charged with sadness, with an emptiness that cannot be filled, with tears that cannot be wiped away, with emotions that cannot be understood. This day has and always will be hard no matter what happens. It has been hard for the last 10 years and I know that is will be hard for the years to come too.

People say that over time it gets easier, it gets easier to grieve, its gets easier not to see them around, it gets easier to move on but actually it does not get easier. It has been a decade now since my grandad has been gone and it has not got easier, I still miss him, I don’t get to see him around, I still grieve for him, life is not the same and it will never get easier. I have come to a sense that he is now gone and we do not get to see him and it is harder than ever. 10 years of not seeing him, of not going out with him, not visiting him, not doing things with him and it is hard. It is hard to realise that I will never have time with him again, I will never be able to give him a hug, I will never be able to put my cold hands on his head, I will never be able to annoy him, I will never be able to talk to him, I will never be able to spend time with him, I will never be able to be with him again and it is hard.

When this day came, which was a shock, I thought I would be able to cope on my own, I thought I would be able to get through this time, I thought I would be able to keep on going. Little did I know that I was not able to cope, I was not able to keep on going, I was not able to forget, I was not able to move on and it was hard. I thought I was a strong person and could keep on going but little did I know that I was unable to keep on going and move on. Grandad had and always be such a big part in my life. After he passed away I actually went to college on that day. Looking back now I realised that I wanted to be in denial, I wanted to keep living my life without feeling the hurt and harm, without my heart breaking from the pain that I was going through. I didn’t know what the rest of my life had in store for me and I kept on trying to live it without thinking of how hurt I was.

It was much harder than I thought and I didn’t realise that I was depressed. I struggled to know what I was going to do, I didn’t know how I would keep on going. One moment he was here and the next he wasn’t and that was the hardest thing. People would try and reach out to help but I would end up pushing them away, not because I didn’t want them but because I was hurt, I was hurt with the situation, I was hurt that such an amazing man would leave my life. I couldn’t help but cry, I couldn’t help but have tears in my eyes when I least expected it, it was the small and simple things that would get me started and it was hard. It would be wanting to turn around and talk to him but he was not there and that was the hardest thing. I would never get to see his face and never get to spend time with him again.

As much as I miss him, I know that he is such a better place. I know that 10 years is a long time but I know that I will see him again. I know that he is with his Father, he is with his Saviour, he is with his God, he is with Christ, he is Home, he is no longer in pain, he is no longer crying, he is no longer death, there is no sadness, he is in such a better place and I am so thankful that He is. I know that all my life I will miss him but I know that I will see his face again.

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