Blog 234: Reality

Over the last few weeks I have been feeling really down, I don’t know whether that is because I have an infection, whether I am stressed about a potential flat move or just because my hormones are all over the place. Most of my blogs I set them to post every Tuesday and Thursday but this is an extra bonus one because I want to let you know the real deal with EUPD (Emotional Unstable Personality Disorder). PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), anxiety and depression. Living with all these things is not an easy task, some days I have not got out of bed, some days I have not eaten well, some days I have gone to bed crying, some days I feel like I am on auto pilot and I don’t like it, some days I have not cooked, some days I have been struggling with relationships. I struggle everyday with getting up, this is not because I am lazy but because I am scared of what the day may hold, I am scared about peoples comments, I am scared about the outside world, I am scared that I am not loved, I am scared that when I contact others I am being a burden on them. In my heart of hearts I know I am struggling and I know I am loved but I don’t want to show that, some days I don’t even believe it.

Over the last few weeks I have wished I have not been alive, I have wished that I don’t have an illness, I have wished that I am a ‘normal’ person. Some times I wish that I could get up like everyone else, I wish I could go outside and not be anxious, I wish I could walk to my husbands work without being scared that something bad may happen, I wish that I could be with friends and family and not get scared of their judgement, I wish that more people understood me. It is a hard life we all know that but you put on top of that PTSD, EUPD, depression and anxiety it is hard and it is something that I struggle with on and everyday basis. When I don’t get out of my bed in a day it is not because I am being lazy or because I am bored but more because I am struggling and I may not have had a good night.

Over the last few weeks I have felt that my life should be better, I have felt that I should be able to do the things that I want to without being scared. I feel that I should be able to trust others with how I am feeling. I feel that throughout life I should be free from the things that hurt and get me anxious. Everyday I have to take pills that help me to keep a level head each and everyday. I have to take these pills to keep my emotions in check but that also means that I don’t get extra happy and I don’t get extra extra sad. My emotions are in one straight line and I feel that I do not have any emotions sometimes. Over the last few weeks life has been hard but is that because I make it hard? Maybe.

I try and go out but get scared, I try and meet with other people but don’t trust them, I try and put a smile on my face but it is false, I can quite honestly say I can’t remember the last time I had a really good laugh. There are times in life when things will come our way and it all seems to happen at the same time and for me with EUPD it is hard and I can’t process what is going on, it is exhausting and life can be a real hardship. I am unstable, I am depressed most of the time, I do feel empty, I do feel like I just exist and have not joy in my life. I often feel that I can get annoyed at the little things and that annoys me, I feel that I don’t get happy about the joyous things in my life and that also annoys me.

Its hard and for all those people who text me, for all the people who support me, for all those people who call thank you. I wouldn’t be able to do life without you. To those who find me hard work, I am sorry and I am working on myself but not everything is fixed over night, it takes time.