Beyond me

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How often do you go down the street and not judge someone? How often do you see someone and try not to have an opinion on them within seconds. We are easy to judge people that we see even though we have nothing to do with them. We think that persons short, that persons fat, that persons tall, that persons pregnant, I wouldn’t wear that, I wonder where they got that top from, they can’t drive, they look so bad, they look tired, I don’t like their glasses, they shouldn’t drive that car, their children are annoying, they need to be quiet? It is continual judging when we see other people out and about and we should feel bad about it. All people value different things and they notice different things but no one sees what is going on in someones mind. We don’t know what is going on in their personal life and what they are having to deal with. It can be hard but we need to stop judging other people-it is not fair on them and it is not fair on us either.

Over the last few months and years things haven’t go the way that I had expected and wanted. There have been ups and downs, overdoses, cutting, self harming, lashing out, crying (lots of tears), anger and so much more. These emotions I don’t want anyone to have to experience let alone all in one day! Welcome to life with depression and anxiety! Life isn’t as simple as heading out to get some clothes, we have to plan how we are going to get there, our ‘escape plan,’ when the quiet times are, checking that we have everything and checking again, watching the people walk by, wearing something plain so people don’t see us, being out the least amount of time, having a migraine the next day due to high anxiety. It is stressful, hard work and tiring and it is hard that people judge others for having to do those things.

Over the last several months I have tried to reach out to people but they haven’t wanted to know anything about, I have tried to offer friendship but people didn’t want to know, I have tried to talk but people haven’t wanted to know, I have tried to talk to those struggling but people haven’t wanted to know and it has been so hard. It is hard to think that people don’t actually want to talk to me and have time with me. I know that people have their busy times and their challenges but when I reach out I really mean it. I want to make sure that you are okay and talk if they need too. I find it hard to reach out, it takes a lot of effort to talk to people anyway let alone speaking about my problems to others.

I feel that people don’t look at me for being me and they don’t notice the person past the mental health condition. They don’t realise that I can be happy and joyful (especially when I have a baby in my arms!). In all of this I want people to be able to see over the mental health and when I am down not to ask loads of questions but to just give me a hug, or to grab a coffee. It is hard being on your own with no one around and no one to trust that you can talk to. Some days I am at my whits end but don’t have the strength to reach out to other people and to tell them how I am feeling. First I don’t want to give them another burden on top of everything else they are going through. Secondly, I don’t want people to judge me because of my mental health but to see beyond that. When I do reach out to others it is then hard for me to get nothing back and people to reply out of courteously rather than love.

In all of this I know that God is good and when no one else reaches out He does. He stretches out His arm so I can come close to Him. When I can’t cry to anyone else I can to Him because He cares for me and wants to know how I am feeling. He knows why I am going through this season in my life and how I am feeling more than anyone else. He created me before I was even thought off and He will look after and protect me until my last and weak breath. Even when I have no one to talk to God is there and He will help me to get through life even when I do feel judged. He will not judge me but instead love me for who I am.

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