Often I find myself in such a state that I am unable to say or express how I am feeling, what is going on inside my head or what I want the future to hold. I find it hard to talk about my feelings and to be honest with other people about what my brain is going through. It has got to such a point that so many times I just turn over in bed and go to sleep because I do not want talk to other people and I do not have the energy to talk and think about them. Sleep is my best friend and the thing that I turn to most often because it is my safe space and no one can do harm to me. I know that everyone finds it difficult to get out of bed especially on a Monday morning. But your missing the point, I can just go and curl up on my bed at 3:00 in the afternoon having not done anything all morning.
It has got to the point that sometimes I don’t even want to talk to my husband, my best friend, my parents, my siblings, other family members or even have my phone near me just in case someone texts me who I don’t want to hear from that day. Its not that I don’t like people anymore its just that I don’t have the energy to talk and to keep on going! I will do everything in my power not to be able to speak to people and not to interact with those who love me because I don’t want to pass on my burden to them. I want to be able to talk to people about my feelings but I don’t want to burden them with me as well as with everything else that is going on.
I have 6 different types of traffic lights and when I am out and about my husband and I communicate by these because I don’t want to go into how I am feeling if I’m in a big shopping mall, if I am at church or even if people around me can hear what I am saying. I am not going to go into all of them as they are private but the two main ones I have are black and green. I want to let my husband know how I am feeling and to let him know what is going on in my brain without going into it all. I do find that with these code words we are able to get through things and we can talk about them when we get home or we can stop and breathe and talk about them then if needed. It can be hard to talk about feelings in public and so to have code words are important.
Black is when I have had really enough of this life and I am on the edge of doing something harmful to either myself or someone else around me. I don’t want to be able to keep going through life as it is and I don’t know how or what to change about it that can make it any better. These feelings mainly come when I am very depressed and I am not able to see the brighter and better future but can just look at the here and now. This feeling comes when I have had enough of trying to be a person that I am not. I am tired of trying to put on a happy face when I am not. I am tired and and need some TLC and I will work on trying to get better.
However, on the other side I have green and that is when life is so good I don’t want to stop, when life is amazing that I love myself and everyone and everything around me. I have to say that now I am rarely ever green and when I am it just takes about 5 minutes before I am no longer. There have been some times in the past when I have been green and the most recent was when my boyfriend asked me to become his wife and maybe when I moved into my own flat!
In all of these feelings I know that God is still there and He loves me no matter how I am feeling and no matter what thoughts I have throughout the day. Life can be really hard but He can help me and you through each and everyday to be able to get better and to see the light at the end of the tunnel. As much as life is hard God will be able to help me to keep going and He will be there when I am feeling down and don’t have much energy to do anything.