What do you have?

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If I got a pound for every time someone asked me this question then I think I would be a millionaire by now! I always get asked what do I have? What is that? How do you know? Who diagnosed you? What do the doctors know? How do you know that you have these issues? Life is complicated and the answer to this question is even more complicated! Ask anyone and they would be afraid that they or someone they know would have a disability but I do. I’m not blind, I’m not in a wheelchair, I’m not fully dependant on others but I do need help. Not, the physical kind of help where someone has to dress me, take me out or even clean me but a mental kind of help. I need help to feel good, to feel that I am worthwhile and I am accepted by people around me. I, myself don’t fully understand me and so how is anyone else? I am going to try and explain it as best as I can but as I say the full extent of what I have is not fully understood and has not fully been investigated.

I have EUPD and PTSD, two things that are not talked about openly and two things that people are ashamed to have, including myself. They are both mental illnesses and they are hard to understand by the person with them let alone the professionals. Mental health is not something that we talk about openly and it can be hard to explain. I didn’t wake up one day and overnight have these two things, it is a gradual process that happened as I grew up. Some of the signs were missed, some I didn’t even know I had until I was older, some I haven’t got, some are stronger than others. It is a very complex situation that I have and not everyone knows how to help but I am thankful for those people who are willing to help and who are willing to accept me for who I am. But you know its okay, just being there to support, to give a hug, have a cup of tea and to pray is sometimes all that I need. It is good when people understand what I have been through but also it is good for not everyone to know what is going on. Mainly because I don’t want to but because I don’t want people to worry and to be a burden on them.

EUPD and PTSD is little known about but it affects thousands of people across the world. PTSD is when something happened to one in their past and they can have flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, guilt, irritability and much more. EUPD is a border line personality disorder that means one struggles with emotions and the tinniest thing can make someone angry or irritable. Their emotions are not able to be controlled like a ‘normal’ person. Both of things can improve over time with help from the doctors and I myself have been on many courses to help and to be able to get both of these under control. I know that I have a long journey to go on and it is okay and God is in control of all things. I know that in time I will get better and I will be healthier than I ever have been.

As much as I don’t like to have these labels and it hurts I want to be able to use it for the good of other people so that they can have the support that they need and that they want. It is hard to live with these things in isolation and when people around don’t understand or think you are just ‘attention-seeking.’ Living my life with both these ‘labels’ I have learnt that I need to be able to keep on going and that these things don’t define me but instead I can work through them with the help and support around me. I am able to show other people that these labels don’t matter and I can work through them. I have a name and these labels are not my names and I am grateful for this!

Many people won’t be there when I need help, I can’t feel that I can reach out to people. However, I am able to reach out to God because He knew from day one that I would have this and I would struggle with it, He knew that things would become hard before they became easy, He knew that I wouldn’t want to reach out to other people, He knew that I would get anxious, He knew that I would struggle with how I feel. You know what, how amazing is that! God is there when no one else is and He is there when other people are around, what an amazing God we have!

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