Blog 90: I don’t want to


Most of my life I have talked and told so many people everything and a lot of things. Sometimes I feel that I have told too many people too much and my life is not private anymore. Over the last few months I have really drawn into myself and I haven’t really wanted to talk or listen to anyone. I know that at the age that I am at I should be able to but I really haven’t and I find that I can’t. I find that I don’t want to talk to other people, I don’t want to share my feelings, I don’t want to open up. It is a far cry from what I was when I was younger. I used to talk to anyone and everyone that would listen. I have now drawn into myself and it is sad. I don’t like it but I know that I am the only one who can change it.

I have found that people have good advice but mostly I don’t want their advice, I want to be able to just have a hug, a big cup of tea and maybe some chocolate! I know that receiving advice from people that are older and wiser is good for me but there are some days where I don’t want it and I feel that people don’t actually understand me and what my situation is. People seem to put words into my mouth about how I am feeling and then I know that the world and his wife know my business as well and that really shuts me down. They seem to think they understand me but actually they are just making things worse and that is harder. They then don’t understand why I shut down and don’t want to talk to anyone about my feelings and situation.

I don’t want to have the world knowing my business and I want to be able to get on with my life without being judged and without people putting their nose in where it is not welcome. I get that people want to help but the more people wanting to help the more I shut down. I shut down not because I don’t care about how people feel about me but because I don’t want all the drama and I don’t want to talk about my feelings. I have never been good at describing how I am feeling but I am working on it. I am at the stage in my life now where I am developing a flat to live in, my own routine, my own getting up time etc and I want that to be able to continue. I know that when I am married things will change but I don’t want people to tell me how it should change and what I should do but instead to let me figure it out and then to be there when things don’t go as planned.

Through all of this shutting down I am loosing friends like sick flies. They seem to only want to know when I am good and when things are going well. The minute I need help or the minute when something has gone wrong they are nowhere to be found or they are too busy. I am that kind of person that if I am busy but my friend needs me I will drop everything to go and help them but it doesn’t seem to be vise versa. I have found that throughout life during tough times we see who our friends really are and that has been so true in my life. I know those people who have stuck by me through tough times and those who have walked away. It hurts when people do walk away but I want them to know just because you walked away from me doesn’t mean that I will then do the same to you. You can come to me at any time of the day.

In all of shutting down and not wanting to talk to people how I really feel and putting a mask on I know there is One who does care and who is there. There is One who will be closer than a best friend, there is One who I can rely on, There is One who I can reach out too and He won’t be too busy. That is the God who died for me and the God who wants to know how I am feeling and the God who can help me to open up to the people around me and I couldn’t be happier!

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