Blog 88: I’m Done


I’m done with my life, I’m done with depression, I’m done with feeling anxious, I’m done with the way I act, I’m done with people not understanding, I’m done with be tired. I’m done with fall outs. I’m done with everything. I am so done that I can’t stand getting out of bed and doing things now. Do you ever get to that point in life when you are just done and you have no more energy to do anything else? You just want to give up but somehow you have to keep on going? Somehow you have to get the energy together to get out in the morning and do the things that have to be done?

For a while now life has been so so hard, it has been terrible. I know I got engaged, I know I am getting married this year but it is still so so hard and I still struggle. I struggle as to why I am alive, I struggle as to why the hardships happen, I struggle as to what I want from my life, I struggle when people upset me, I struggle when people call me lazy, I struggle when things don’t go how I expect, I struggle why people seem to have a better life than I. I struggle with knowing I have a better life than many but I am still not happy. I struggle with knowing that I am different. I struggle with aspects of my past that will not leave me alone. I struggle with the fact that my life is not simple. I struggle with self esteem. I struggle and I struggle a lot.

I know that life can be tough and it can be a struggle but I didn’t expect it would be this hard. All I want is a peaceful life to do what I want to be able to do and not to get judged for it and living the life that I want. Sometimes I don’t understand what people’s problem is with me and why they have a reason to talk behind my back. I know they have concerns but please talk to me about them. I don’t think you realise how much it hurts when you go and talk to others about it rather than me. I struggle with how hard I am to talk to and why people can’t come and talk to me about things. I don’t know why that happens. I would rather talk to someone face to face rather than hearing it from all the houses.

I have struggled with why I am alive and why God bought me to this earth when He knew that it wasn’t going to be easy. I know that life is meant to be hard so we lean on him, but really, it is tough. Over the last months I have learnt that life is going to be tough and it isn’t going to be how I want it but God is in control of all things and He will help me live the life that He wants me to able to live. I know that when I struggle I am not the only one in the world to. Many people struggle to get water for the day but I have a tap. Many people struggle to get to work but I have public transport so near. Many people struggle to pay their bills but I have money too. It is so easy to feel sorry for myself but there are people out their who really do struggle and who are done with their lives.

As I look back on the past and wonder what the future will hold I know that even when I feel that I am done with this life God has a different plan and He will help me to see that. He will help me to develop into the person that He wants me to be and He will accept me for being me rather than trying to change everything about me. I know that when I struggle Jesus struggled more when He was on earth, He was mocked, He wasn’t believed, He was shouted at, He was talked about, He was beaten, He was homeless, He was fatherless, He was lonely, He was the son of God but He still struggled with life on earth. Jesus was perfect but He was living in an imperfect world and so are we. I look forward to seeing what the future will hold and how God will use me to His glory and to be a better person.

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