Blog 87: My emotionless life


There are so many emotions that people all over the world feel, so many positive ones and so many negative ones. Fear, jealously, frustration, sadness, shame, grief, guilt, depression, anxiety, despair and envy, all of these are negative emotions but can be used in the right way if only we let ourselves do so. Joy, happiness, hope, pride, love, trust, awe, healthy and confidence are some positive emotions but can have a negative twist on the way we live. There are so many different emotions and every person lives through different ones each day and it is natural thing to be able to do. They are strange things, they come and go depending on the way we are feeling, the day of the week and how tired we are.

I have so many emotions that I have during a day that I don’t know where to start and I don’t know what to say about them. Over the years my emotions have been driven by my feelings and what people have said to me. When I was younger I was known for lashing out at what people said and saying things that I didn’t really mean. I didn’t mean to get annoyed but it just happened. I didn’t mean to get over excited but it just happened. Life can be so complicated that you can change emotions from one second to another. I do feel like some people change feelings every hour but I feel that I change feelings within a millisecond. It is a strange brain that I have, one moment I am ultra happy and the next I am crying and I don’t know why. There hasn’t be anything different that I can tell that should change my emotions that quickly but it happens.

However with that being said I have come to have an emotionless life. That isn’t to say that if people hurt me then I don’t care and I don’t get happy about things but I will show these behind closed doors and I try not to discuss my emotions with other people. So many people have hurt me in the past and sent me things that I don’t emotional about now. I do get emotional but I prefer not to show it to other people-I don’t want to be judged as to how I portray things and how I feel about them. I my heart of hearts I just know that, sadly, I am unable to trust other people. I am unable to talk to someone about my emotions and for them to then keep it quiet. I have been hurt in the past and my trust has been broken that now I keep it to myself and try and keep on going.

I would say that I am now a rock, I try to control my emotions but sometimes I do move and my emotions come out of me without really realising it. There have been times when people have laughed and cried at movies and I don’t understand as to why people do it-it’s not like its real or anything, but once again being emotionless has almost got in the way. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and it was so nice but with that comes very strong emotions that I cannot control. I was put on some tablets to help with my mood swings and now it just means that I am level rather than being super happy or super sad. Being emotionless is hard though and sometimes I lapse out of it.

Very few people I confide in and even fewer I tell my dreams and ambitions to. I tend to try and keep myself to myself until someone breaks down my wall and then I pour everything out. Once this has been done though I feel like I have failed and I have now burdened them in a way that they didn’t need too. The more people I allow to see me at my best and at my worst the more I feel like I have lost control and people judge me for who I really am. However, the more people I try to keep out and the more people I try and put a stoned face on doesn’t always work. Before I even have an emotion God knows how I am going to feel, he knows how I am going to react to certain events, he knows that I don’t want to talk to people about it. He knows all things and I know that I am able to come to him and He will help me feel safe and secure in Him. He doesn’t judge me for who I am but instead helps me to grow.

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