Blog 61: Yes please but no thanks


Have you ever wanted to be noticed but you don’t want to be? This sounds like a contradiction of terms and it is meant to be. Imagine you are in a play at school and you want to be noticed so you play the lead role but the moment it gets to your part you don’t want to be noticed anymore. This is how I feel on a everyday basis. Everyday I want people to notice that I am there and that I wanted to say and do something but when the time comes I shrink back.

I don’t really honestly know what happened, when I was a child I was outgoing and a bit rude and then BOOM it stopped almost overnight. I became this shy person wanting to stay in bed all the time, not wanting to go out, not wanting to see my family, having to put make up on for every occasion. Why? Honestly, I don’t know. I suppose I became scared of what I could or would become. I wanted people to like me for who I am and not for my loudness.

I want people to notice that I am there but not to ask me how I am or what I am doing with my life. I want people to notice that I am happy but not sad inside, that I am together and not broken, that I am high and not low. I don’t want the sorry message and how my life is rubbish I just want a hug and to know that things will get better and will be OK. Things will happen that will switch me from being happy to sad, good to angry but will it affect me in six months time, probably not.

I don’t want you to be effected by my low moods but also I want you to know that I am not happy all the time and different things can set me in a bad mood. I have days when I don’t want to talk to people and I want you to understand that just because I don’t text you back doesn’t mean that I don’t want to talk but that I am struggling. I don’t want you to see me having a low and how anxious I can get. I want to be able to run to my friends but also run away from you too. I want to talk but I want to be silent.

I don’t want people to see how I really feel and how everyday and every minute can be so different. It is hard for me to understand how I feel let alone anyone else. However, before the next moment, minute, hour, day, month or year comes God knows how I am going to feel. He knows how it is to not be settled. He knows what I feel like before I do but most of all He knows that I can turn to him at any point and that He will be there when no one else is.

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