Blog 51: Kill Me

How many times have you said those two words? Have you said them as a joke or semi serious? Do you joke around about being killed? Do you think its funny? Do you ever wonder how other people feel?

Those two words I have said a lot in my life and I regret every single one. I have said it with my school friends as a joke when something didn’t go my way, when we had a boring teacher, when we had more homework, when it was wet play, when we lost a match, when we had P.E, when we had to be quiet, when we had a test, when we had to go to assembly and we couldn’t be bothered.

I have even said these things at home, when I wasn’t allowed out, when I didn’t get my own way, when I wanted things done differently, when my siblings were being annoying, when we had to get up early, when guests wouldn’t leave, when I couldn’t go to that neighbours house, when I couldn’t go to a party.

I have even said these words in recent days too, when I go bored, when it was bad weather, when I had bad news, when someone had died, when my friends were being mean, when I hurt myself, when I put on weight, when I haven’t spoken to people, when I actually really did want to kill myself.

At the beginning of the year I really did want to kill myself, I had even made plans and went through with some of them. I did try and kill myself multiple times and each time I just couldn’t do the last little bit. I wanted to but there was something stopping me, something at the back of my brain saying no and someone holding my hand back and making it weak. It was a time when I was being selfish, when I wanted things to happen my way and when I wanted to be able to take control of things that were happening. I know not everything can happen in my way and I know that I am in control.

I am glad that I didn’t kill myself but if someone around me says those two words I want to be able to tell them story and that it is not actually a joke and people who say that need to get help. They need to know that people do try and kill themselves and they do have mental health problems. God knows my past and he knows that I am ashamed of it but He will be the one who puts people around me to help and encourage me to keep on going. He is control on this day and the days going forward.

When I next say these two words I want to make sure that I stop myself because some people really do want to do this. God has given me strength to keep going and will keep me going when things do go wrong. He will keep me going and put people around me to keep on going to and I am so blessed and so thankful.