So many people that I know have done counselling or are going through counselling but quite frankly I have never wanted to admit that I want help and that I need to talk about my issues and problems to some one. I want to have my life private and to keep it like that. I have trust issues and don’t really want to trust people, even the professionals, with the issues that I have and ‘burden’ them with how I am feeling. I’ve never want to bring up my past to some total stranger and have to tell my life story all over again.
I want to feel that I have ‘a stiff upper lip,’ ‘keep calm and carry on’ attitude. Over the years I have decided that I would rather run in a marathon than to see someone about how I am feeling and how I can improve. It’s not that I think counsellors are bad, I think they are great people, but more that I don’t want to pour my heart out to some stranger. I have tried to bury my past and to leave it alone but now I am beginning the trip over the big pile of rubbish that is in the middle of the carpet and it’s time I cleared it out.
Over the last few weeks and couple of days I have really known what it has been like to keep my feelings to myself, to compress how I am feeling, to say that I’m ok when I’m not, to keep people at arms distance. From experience don’t do it. Don’t go through life doing these things because they will only catch up with you. They will only make you feel worse and like you don’t want to be on this earth and what’s the point in you living. I have been reminded so much over the last few days that I have so much to live for and I have the rest of my life in front of me and it’s worth talking about the past to move on with the future.
I have decided as well as other things I do need counselling and whether it helps or does not help me I need to talk about the things that have happened, things that I am fearful of and things that I hope for and hopefully it will help me to begin to understand myself so I can explain to people how I am feeling. I have been a fighter all my life and thought that going to counselling was for weak people. I am beginning to realise that a lot of people do do it and you have to be strong. I don’t want to go through what I have been through and not to come out the other side but to show that it is ok to break down the huge brick wall and to let people into my life.
It’s ok to have people around me that care. It’s ok to feel the way that I do. It’s ok to ask for help. It’s ok to ring people when distressed. It’s ok to be able seek out help. It’s ok to feel down. It’s ok not to want to speak to people. It’s ok not to fully trust anyone. It’s ok to feel rubbish. It’s ok to feel like you don’t belong. It’s ok to feel like you shouldn’t be on this earth. It’s ok to feel hurt. It’s ok to feel pain. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to mourn. It’s ok to breakdown. It’s ok to feel all of these things but it’s not ok not to talk about them and not to get the help that you need.
Over the last few days it’s been wonderful to have different people around me and to be able to talk but it’s been even better to know that God has been there. He has been through the thick and thin with me and he will continue to. So many people have walked in and out of my life but he has remained a strength and he has helped me to get through my past and he will help me to get through my future whatever that entails. Whatever happens with counselling and my future I know that I am always able to turn to him. I know that he will put people in my life who will help me and who will encourage me to keep going to show me that it is worth living and it worth talking about my past to have a better future.
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