Blog 16: You have failed

Ever since I was a child I have had a niggling thought at the back of my mind that I am not good enough and that I have not been able to do the right thing. Even the past few weeks I have thought that I have failed, I have not been able to keep down a job, I don’t have many friends, I don’t have loads of savings, I don’t have a car, I don’t have time to do hobbies, I don’t socialise a lot, I don’t put my family first. All of these things point to the fact that I have failed, sometimes I even wonder whether life is worth it and whether I should even be on this earth. But it so is!!

I have asked for advice and not always taken it, I have asked for prayer and the answer has been wait, I have trusted and it has been broken, I have tried and have failed. I have wanted to do my best but haven’t been able to. I done something and put my all into it but it hasn’t gone the way that I wanted it to. Once again I have failed.

In the past I have had a lot of people tell me that I am unable to do something and that I am not worth it and I have believed them and their lies, I have listened to them more than myself and I have believed all that they have said rather that to listen to God and all that He has to say. I have listened to them so much that I start to get defalted and depressed and think that I am not worth it. Even the last few days I have believed the lies of people who don’t believe me, who don’t think I am worth the time but God has different plans and ideas and I need to start to listen to them because in His eyes I am not a failure.

All of you have had a ‘fragile’ parcel come through the post and sometimes I feel like one of those. Due to my past I have come with a lot of baggage that finds it hard to keep going when life gets tough. Sometimes I feel that life is like the ocean and I am getting tossed around with it. The negative comments and failures that I have mean I get tossed around and that I sometimes sink with all the negative things going on. I get told that I have failed and that I am not worth peoples time and I sink a little bit further, I try not to talk to people and I keep myself to myself. I suppose it would be because I’m other people’s eyes I have failed and I am not living my life how I should and how I want to.

Over the years I have begun to believe society and all the lies and untruths that it sends my way. I have begun to believe those people who say that I am not worth their time. I have begun to believe my friends who say I am too difficult to deal with. I have begun to believe that doctors who say that I have a complex background. I have begun to believe my previous bosses who say I am not worth anything. I have even begun to believe my family when they say I am emotionally hard work. All of these may be true but I need to hold onto what God thinks I am rather than believing all the voices of this world.

It has taken me a while to learn and believe this but I know that God has the perfect plan for me and that He will be able to do all that is right for me. I know that He will give me energy for each and everyday. I know that God loves me and that I am not a failure in His sight. He knows all my troubles, all my fears, all my background, all my ambitions, all my dreams and He will lead and guide me. He will help me to develop into the person that He wants me to be with the people around me that He has put in place.

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