Blog 15: My Boss

Over the years I have had several jobs and that has meant several bosses and several people to liaise and deal with. Some people get on well with their bosses and some others loath and despise them. Different work places have different bosses and people in charge but personally you have a boss to, you may not know what it is but you have something in the back of your mind trying to be the centre of your attention, something that motivates you to get up in the morning, something that helps you to get the kids to school, something that may niggle at the back of your mind. We all have a personal boss.

Some of these personal bosses can be great but most of them can be destructive, evil and restrictive. When was the last time that you had a restrictive boss, a boss that made you think that you weren’t doing well, a boss that made you think you were rubbish, a boss that didn’t encourage, a boss that held onto everything negative. Even though some personal bosses can be good and can motivate you a lot of bosses can have a negative and sometimes destructive way about them. They can make you feel lonely, lost, down and sometimes even self destructive.

Depression and anxiety can be all of these things and this is my boss. Over the years these two things have made me miss social events, get upset being around too many people, made me push away all the people I love, made me feel rubbish, made me stay in bed, made me lock myself in my room and sometimes even made me not talk to those people who I love and who love me. Over the years I have thought so many things about depression and anxiety, surely everyone feels the way I do, surely people get what I am feeling, surely people will understand. People don’t unless you talk to them, unless you let them know your inner thoughts, people really have no clue.

It is important to know what your personal boss is and to be able to hit it on the head and not let it have control over you. After many doctors visits and (some, not many) counselling sessions I now know what my boss is and how to try and deal with it. I’m not saying that it has totally gone but what I am saying is that God is helping me through times when they are tough. God will help me when I am feeling just fine and then when I am feelinf rubbish and anxious about myself and other things going on. One day I will be able to head to a social event with my head held high, be able to go out with friends who get me for being me, be with family who I know don’t judge me, go and meet that new person and not be awkward, but it all takes time. Depression and anxiety are hard things and they may never go away but in time I will learn how to deal with them and what things I can do to make it better.

It has been important for me not to push those people who love me away and to be able to keep those people close to me. Over the years I have lost friends because they have not understood me and I have not understood my self but as I am getting older I am able to express my feelings a lot more and have been able to talk to more and more people about different situations and feelings. Even though depression and anxiety can be hard things to deal with and can be even harder for people to understand it is important not to push people away but instead be open with those people who love and understand you. I have been blessed by God to have an understanding family and friends around me and will be forever grateful for them.

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